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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28921203">there are 5,000 stars and i'd give them all to you</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/apimhwa/pseuds/apimhwa'>apimhwa</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Childhood Friends, Childhood Memories, Falling In Love, Fluff, Kozume Kenma in Love, Kozume Kenma is So Done, Kozume Kenma is a Good Friend, Kozume Kenma is the best mf ever, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou-centric, Kuroo Tetsuro I'm Sorry, Kuroo Tetsuro is Whipped, Kuroo Tetsurou in Love, Kuroo Tetsurou is a Good Friend, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Minor Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Slow Burn, Time Travel</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 09:21:40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,485</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28921203</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/apimhwa/pseuds/apimhwa</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>sometimes, it takes a lot to realize your own feelings.</p><p>kenma has to learn the hard way.</p><p> </p><p>or:<br/>Time Travel AU, where Kenma thinks he dreams, but it's all reality.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>25</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>there are 5,000 stars and i'd give them all to you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hey!<br/>Before starting I'd just like to say, that the town this whole fic plays in, is not based on any place on this world, I just made it up. That's why there's no specific name, I wanted to make it a little dreamy and mysterious. <br/>Enjoy reading &lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>That night, Kenma woke up from a dream, so horrific and brutal, he was left shaking under his cold blanket, laying on his side and staring to the TV standing on his floor.</p><p>Waves were crashing against the shore and the night cooled down his room, a deep contrast to the heat lingering everywhere in the last days. This Summer was unusually hot and it got on Kenma's nerves, because every time he tried to hide in his room, he was sweating rivers, even with the window wide open. He'd stay there nevertheless, everything better than going to the beach, now filled with tourists, but deadly quiet when Winter crashed in. It was like this every year, the little town filled with life for a few weeks and then slowly crumbling apart again.</p><p>Sometimes, you didn't hear anything but the brute force of nature, wind tearing at your clothes walking to school, clothes taking in the rain, leaving you shivering. It was a strange place, with weird people, people Kenma never talked to, despite having lived here all his life. It was quiet here, like time had stopped, simply deciding this town didn't need a sense of reality anymore. It scared Kenma sometimes, how fast yet slow the days passed here and sometimes he wondered, if it was like this everywhere.</p><p>The house his parents had chosen as theirs a long time ago, was close to the beach, so close that Kenma grew up with the screams of seagulls waking him up and the ocean lulling him to sleep. It was beautiful, looking out and seeing the sun rising and falling, soft breeze brushing over the strands of his hair and the sky clear enough for him to be able to count stars. Kenma spent many evening, nights and mornings on his balcony, staring out at the big, shining horizon with it's dark navy blue. He'd learnt to swim there one day, he didn't remember when, but it had been here, on this beach.</p><p>Though growing up at the sea-side, Kenma wasn't really fond of swimming, whatsoever. He hated getting swallowed by salt water and the panic that went through him, even if he knew he was going to make it. Maybe, it was because he'd almost drowned one time, somehow managing to find a last ounce of strength and pushing himself to the surface, to breathe and swimming to the white sand, that seemed to be so far away.</p><p>The town seemed to be isolated from the rest of the world, Kenma often realized, whilst staring to the undiscovered depths of water in front of him. It took hours to the next big city and there were deep forests surrounding it, no chance to get out if it was snowing heavily in winter. Kenma was happy, that that wasn't happening too often.</p><p>Another thing about this place, that Kenma didn't like, was school.</p><p>If you didn't fit in here, you were undoubtedly the outsider. Kenma first got to feel that in elementary school, the same shy kid he was today, because he just didn't like <em>talking to people. </em>It wasn't fair, in his opinion, that just because you aren't as good in conversations as others, you're doomed to be lonely. That he had to spend his breaks on his own, watching the other kids play football or some other <em>cool stuff</em> he didn't feel like doing, sitting on one of the branches of the big tree on top of a small hill, somehow always hoping someone would come along and see him sitting there, in this big, old tree, covered by leaves.</p><p>And it was strange, because sometimes they did see Kenma and asked him to play with them and it was nice. He was alone most of the time, but they didn't totally forget about him and it made Kenma feel better about himself. He didn't mind spending his time watching and observing other people and even though he really wanted a friend sometimes, someone he could play with and someone who <em>understood</em> him, Kenma didn't have high hopes for somebody moving here, let alone a person his age.</p><p>So Kenma let time pass and he was a little mad at his parents sometimes, because why'd they have to choose a place like this, who'd want to live here? He never told them how lonely he felt at times, not sure if it would make any difference. They told him about big cities, places with many people and of course Kenma saw them, too. He'd stood in an elevator before, he'd heard cars honking at each other and seen the big lights of signs and apartments glimmering into one, big picture. They hadn't liked it there, deciding to move here, with a population of a few hundred people, not even crossing the three-hundred mark.</p><p>But then, one autumn day, a truck drove down their street.</p><p>Kenma had been sitting at the big table in the kitchen, eating his breakfast in a hurry, because his Mum had forgotten to wake him up and he'd been lucky enough to see it through the small window. He tried not to get too excited, but Kenma had never seen anyone move here, so it was a big deal. Nothing came after this town, it was just the sea, which meant they might be getting new neighbours.</p><p>He was ridiculously excited that day, always looking to his teacher, because <em>maybe he'd say something about a new kid moving here.</em> But there was nothing and Kenma felt utterly fooled by the world, angrily stomping to his tree and not casting his class comrades a single gaze. He was tired of seeing the same faces all his life and Kenma felt frustrated, feeling like he was the only one going through these emotions of pure loneliness.</p><p>The days passed and Kenma had already forgotten about the blue truck driving past his window, when the doorbell rang on a Thursday afternoon.</p><p>Kenma was laying on his bed, staring up at the wooden ceiling, figuring out what to do with his everlasting boredom, when he heard unfamiliar voices from downstairs and his Mum calling out for him.</p><p>Hesitant, he climbed down the stairs, worry nibbling in his stomach, because this was a really weird situation. They didn't get visited that often and if someone wanted to come by, they usually announced themselves in beforehand. Jumping off the last two stairs, something his Mum deeply disapproved off, he stared at the door.</p><p>There was a kid standing there.</p><p>"Kenma," his Mum called out softly, reminding him that it was <em>very rude to stare, even though there was a new kid standing in front of him. </em>"These are our new neighbours. They came to introduce themselves."</p><p>Kenma's eyes didn't leave the boy in front of him and only a new, deep voice managed to make him look up again.</p><p>"This is my son, Tetsuro," a man with a nice smile was pushing Tetsuro towards Kenma a little more. "Maybe you two can become friends."</p><p>And Kenma and Tetsuro became friends.</p><p> </p><p>Kuroo Tetsuro, was truly something else.</p><p>Kenma realized that after knowing him for ten years, but he'd already known that, after seeing him for the first time. It was like destiny had heard his pleadings for someone to come along and accept him for who he was, someone to make the life here a little easier. And Kuroo, truly made everything easier.</p><p>From that day on, Kenma had never felt lonely again. Kuroo was the first friend he ever made and after some years, Kenma knew that he'd never need someone but him by his side. He'd moved here from one of the big cities, Kenma soon found out, listening to Kuroo's stories fascinated and with sparkling eyes.</p><p>It was easy to talk to him, since Kuroo seemed to be just as quiet as himself, but quickly prove to be a passionate and loud kid once you got to know him. They did everything together, because nothing ever got boring with Kuroo by his side. Kenma had no idea why, but sometimes Kuroo felt like an literal angel, given to him because he desperately needed someone to keep him company. But then, he remembered how Kuroo had teased him the other day, about something he couldn't remember, but it didn't matter, because Kuroo <em>always teased him.</em> It was annoying and Kenma had told him multiple times, without any success. Even though he'd never admit it, it was easy to get used to it and Kenma knew, it was one of Kuroo's many ways of showing affection.</p><p>He never openly told a person he loved them, but Kuroo was blessed with a talent of giving you the feeling he cared about you and it always left Kenma speechless when he was met with a rush of encouraging words from his best friend. Kenma wasn't sure, if Kuroo did it to startle him, or if he truly was unsure about Kenma's impression of his feelings. Because Kenma knew, just how much Kuroo cared and loved him, knew it since the day they clarified that they were best friends, or the time Kuroo stood up for him, in front of the other kids saying Kuroo was <em>too cool </em>for Kenma. Not once, had Kuroo given him the feeling, that he was just his friend out of pity and at times, Kenma realized how much that truly meant to him.</p><p>It would've made sense after all, becoming friends with the kid with poor social skills and self-esteem, because his father told him so. Kenma knew that was probably the reason he wasn't completely excluded from class activities before Kuroo came into his life, the teachers likely having told the other's to interact with him in some way and it was like a punch to the gut, because Kenma always thought they maybe even liked him. Kuroo often told him, one of his only weaknesses was that he cared too much about what other people believe him to be like and if Kuroo said so, he was probably correct. And yes, maybe Kenma did care a little too much and it could be that he was a bit too sensitive, but he didn't know how to change his perspective.</p><p>Middle school wasn't as horrendous with his best friend by his side. It was a little fun sometimes, he'd admit that and it was the time they developed the routine of sleeping over at each other's houses, every weekend. The good thing about Kuroo, something that made him perfect for Kenma, was his honest yet soft way of speaking out the truth. So, when he said "<em>Let's spend more time together,</em> Kenma!", it was not just a feeling on his part. Sleepovers were a great thing, Kenma figured out after a few weeks.</p><p>It was nice to stay up with Kuroo, until the sun rose and shone upon their sleepy faces, tired from the last hours of playing video games on Kenma's old TV, shushing each other when they got too enthusiastic about winning, which was mostly just Kenma hitting Kuroo, every time he'd yell at him, that <em>"I've got you now, I'm starting to get really good at this game!", </em>with dark circles under his eyes and messy raven hair, but the smile on his face being enough for Kenma to recognize, that Kuroo started to become his anchor in this town.</p><p>Kenma wasn't alone watching the horizon and stars anymore, Kuroo right next to him, both of them sitting in silence with no thoughts troubling their young minds. Kuroo often told Kenma, that this is what freedom feels like to him. Kenma didn't know, what exactly it he meant, what his exact definition of freedom truly was, but seeing the moon rise above their heads, seemingly close enough to grasp with their bare hands, Kenma figured out his own meaning of freedom was.</p><p>You didn't get rid of Kuroo Tetsuro, once he was a part of your life. It was like a basic law of physics, that Kenma and him would stay friends forever and nothing felt as comforting, as having Kuroo as your best friend. There were many times, where Kenma asked himself, if Kuroo might want to meet new people and he did, but never forgot about him. Going to highschool, made Kenma come to his senses, that Kuroo wouldn't leave him.</p><p>Kuroo wouldn't leave him and if he did, one day because he wanted to start a new life or move to a different place, not filled with the staring faces of people and depressing silence, Kenma would always feel nothing but utter gratefulness.</p><p> </p><p>"Aww, come on," Kuroo looked at him with pleading eyes and if he were to be a little shorter and his features would be more childlike, Kenma might've even found him cute. "You can't hide in here all summer Kenma, you don't even have to go inside the water."</p><p>Kuroo had this annoying obsession with beaches and water and summer things in general, ever since Kenma knew him and it always ended with him, watching his friend drown himself like a cat. But not this year, Kenma wouldn't let himself get dragged into another scenario of sitting on the beach alone, with no distraction, hot sun burning down on his head and sunburns forming everywhere, no matter how much sunscreen he put on. </p><p>"No," he replied, dragging the blanket over his head, death-grip on it because he knew Kuroo would try anything to rip it away from him. "I don't want to."</p><p>Kenma often wondered, if they were too old for tugging wars, but if it was about staying home or going to a place with a lot of strangers, he'd tug until passing out from exhaustion. Sadly, today he reached that point sooner than Kuroo, who managed to brutally rip away the bubble he'd formed around himself.</p><p>Staring down at him with a faked, hurt expression, Kuroo crossed his arms and Kenma knew well enough that this was all an act and Kuroo just wanted him to go out and <em>get some fresh air, </em>like his Mum would say. He shouldn't have to compare his best friend to his Mum, but sometimes they acted like Kenma was going to die, if he didn't leave the house for more than one day.</p><p>This was the staring contest phase and Kenma tried not to blink looking into Kuroo's eyes, because that usually decides who'd win or loose. He felt tears burning in his eyes and Kuroo let himself fall down on his bed, with a big sigh.</p><p>"You're so stubborn, you know that?" he asked and Kenma shrugged, fumbling with a hole in one of his pillow Kuroo had accidentally managed to nearly rip apart, after Kenma wouldn't give it to him, even though persistently saying <em>he wanted this pillow, </em>without any specific reason. Since then, Kenma had decided that it was Kuroo's pillow now, seemingly very eager to fight for it.</p><p>He saw Kuroo loosening his hold on the blanket and quickly reached for it, pulling it over himself once again. He was ready now, ready to make a big scene in case Kuroo would still try to move outside.</p><p>"Let's make a deal," Kuroo said and Kenma slowly peeked at him with one eye suspiciously. "We go to the beach, but in the evening, when it's not as full."</p><p>Kenma thought about it for a moment. There wasn't anything he could use as an argument, because yes, the beach wasn't as crowded in the late hours, people usually going to eat in restaurants and spend time with their kids. It was a good compromise, so he nodded, trying not to let his embarrassment show, when Kuroo smiled at him as if he'd just saved the world and took his hand.</p><p>"You're the best," he grinned and Kenma looked away, trying to look very interested in the birds flying over the sea. "You want to play video games?"</p><p> </p><p>The beach was, Kenma had to give Kuroo that, truly pretty. A long, white sand paradise, stretching out several kilometres, thankfully cooled down now, colors of orange and pink mixing together in the sky, reflecting themselves on the water and the big, shining light orb slowly moving towards the other side. You could run for several miles here and it wouldn't feel like moving forwards at all, something that frustrated Kenma, but motivated Kuroo.</p><p>It wasn't as hot anymore and a light breeze ruffled it's way up the coast, while they were walking down the stairs leading to Kuroo's '<em>favorite thing'. </em>Kenma had no idea why swimming was so exciting and fun to Kuroo, but as long as it made him this happy, it was fine he assumed. He never forced Kenma to follow him either, just letting him watch and it was one of those things, Kenma deeply admired about him. He was able to read people in an extremely accurate way, knowing when something went past someone's boundaries.</p><p>"You're so grumpy," Kuroo giggled and Kenma glared at him, trying his best to suppress the desire to hit him on his head. "You can't always win in Mario Kart, just get over it!"</p><p>"I'm not grumpy," Kenma said in a very grumpy voice. "I let you win, by the way."</p><p>That, was partly true.</p><p>"You're lying." Kuroo hummed and dropped his bag on a spot near the water. "You never do that."</p><p>Kenma didn't say anything, since yes, maybe he didn't let Kuroo win, like ever. Even if he did, <em>out of pure luck of course,</em> he'd make sure to never let it happen for the next weeks. To be completely honest, sometimes Kenma was curious how Kuroo put up with him, but he never complained about it. He seemed to know, like he knew many things, Kenma really liked to win in video games, because he was naturally good at them.</p><p>"Just so you know," Kenma uttered, hoping Kuroo would hear him, as he was already walking towards the water. "I could always leave you here and go home."</p><p>Kuroo stopped, sun drawing out his silhouette and Kenma thought he'd crossed the line and was ready to apologize, when he turned around, with this stupid grin on his face.</p><p>"You'd never do that." he simply laughed and Kenma ignored the way it made his heart flutter, this undeniable trust Kuroo had in him, something so strong and fragile at the same time, Kenma would never even think about destroying it.</p><p>And as always Kuroo was right.</p><p>He wouldn't leave.</p><p> </p><p>"Did you know," Kuroo said, breaking the silence between them. "That you can only see around 5,000 stars at night?"</p><p>They were lying on their backs, still on the beach and it was dark by now. There was no sound, but distant voices of drunk people in pubs and a car driving by from time to time. Kenma and Kuroo were the only people there and even though it started to get a little cold, Kenma wouldn't want to be anywhere else. They did this sometimes, on days where Kenma really didn't want to see anyone but Kuroo, just going out later, until later transformed into night and night turned to morning. Kuroo's hair was still wet, dripping down on Kenma's shoulder, right where Kuroo's head was resting.</p><p>He shook his head, not knowing what Kuroo was on about.</p><p>"I always thought there were millions of them," he continued and Kenma turned to look at him. He didn't see most of his expression, but just knowing he was there, right next to Kenma, calmed him down. It was weird, <em>because where else would he be?</em> "The songs have been bullshitting us, Kenma."</p><p>He tried not to laugh at Kuroo's childish antics and kept a straight face instead. Gulping, to sound more serious, he looked up at the sky again.</p><p>"Why does it bother you?" he asked. Kuroo stared at him questioning. "You know, that there are only 5,000 of them?"</p><p>It took him an astonishing long time to answer. Normally, Kuroo is a person with a strong opinion about things and was able to give logical answers to everything, but this time Kuroo seemed to think for a long time. Kenma didn't say anything, suddenly more invested in this conversation than he would've thought he'd be.</p><p>"5,000," Kuroo murmured slowly, as if trying to understand the meaning behind this specific number and Kenma realized how soft his hair was. "Doesn't it look like more to you?"</p><p>Kenma must've thought about it as long as Kuroo did about his question, because <em>he didn't know. </em>He didn't know if it made a difference to him, if it were thousands or millions of stars they looked up to, as long as they'd always be there to guide the way. But Kuroo was right, it did seem like more.</p><p>"Yes," he answered. "It looks way bigger."</p><p>Kuroo nodded and all of sudden, Kenma's mood shifted. There was panic building up in his stomach and the air felt colder, though that didn't make <em>any sense.</em> Everything was alright, nothing had changed and yet, all of this, seemed to have built up to this moment and Kenma felt like he had to do, <em>to say something to Kuroo, </em>but he wasn't capable of uttering a single syllable, throat choked up and fingers gripping onto the towel under him as if his life depended on it. Something was wrong and just as he wanted to open his mouth, Kuroo's phone started to ring.</p><p>It was his father, asking him to come home and Kuroo sighed and stood up, brushing away the sand from his back. Kenma was frozen in place and everything seemed to be out of his control, moving towards one, big mistake he wouldn't be able to correct ever again. Kuroo looked at him curiously, seemingly confused as to why he wasn't moving.</p><p>Slowly, Kenma put his things into his bag, fingers ice cold and his heart so incredibly heavy, like stones glued on top of it, that he thought he was going to have a heart attack. He walked away from the beach with Kuroo and Kenma wanted to go back, to the place he usually avoided like a plague, because they were <em>safe there.</em> He didn't know why they wouldn't be safe anywhere else, considering this town was incredibly small and Kuroo would be home in a few minutes. But everything inside of Kenma screamed, <em>to not leave him in this very moment.</em></p><p>"Kuroo?" his friend turned to him and Kenma felt a lump in his throat and he didn't know where it was coming from. "Are you alright?"</p><p>Kuroo looked at him surprised, his gaze quickly turning skeptical and he raised an eyebrow. "You're acting really weird."</p><p>"Just answer my question." Kenma tried to ignore that he sounded just as desperate as he felt, voice breaking into a small, strange sound. He started to shake and attempted to hide it, but he knew Kuroo saw right through him.</p><p>"Of course I'm alright," he smiled softly his expression uncertain, but it wasn't enough, this was not good enough to make this feeling of pure fear leave Kenma. "What's up with you, all of sudden?"</p><p>Kuroo was asking the hardest questions tonight.</p><p>When they parted ways, Kenma turned around to take a look at Kuroo's back and the way he was carrying himself in such a carefree way, full of joy and satisfaction. His pitch-black hair was still hanging down in strands, just like it always did, but Kenma knew it was fluffy anyways. Maybe he had the stupid grin on his face, or maybe he was worrying about Kenma acting so ridiculous.</p><p>With every step Kuroo was taking away from him, Kenma felt as if he was loosing a part of himself.</p><p> </p><p>That night, Kenma woke up from a dream so real and frightening, he was struggling to breathe.</p><p> </p><p>"Kenma," he was staring at the window, not daring to look into Kuroo's eyes, mind completely blank. He had no idea what was happening. "You can't hide in here all summer, you know that right?"</p><p>Something was wrong. Something was so very wrong, that Kenma felt a cold shiver going straight down his spine and he had to defeat the desire to chew on his finger nails, because then Kuroo would now something was wrong and Kenma wanted <em>everything but that.</em> In the last hours, he hadn't moved a single finger and tried to figure out what exactly was going on.</p><p>"Hello?" he tried to ignore Kuroo, but it was hard when the other tried to poke his stomach and Kenma was ticklish there. He kicked him and Kuroo immediately let go of him. Probably sensing Kenma's discomfort, he sat down next to him. "Did something happen?"</p><p><em>Yes, </em>Kenma thought, <em>something happened. </em></p><p>On the night, from the twenty-first to the twenty-second August, Kuroo Tetsuro had died in a car crash. Before that, Kenma had known something was wrong, felt something would happen to his best friend and yet, he hadn't done anything to prevent it from happening. Looking back, Kenma had fallen asleep with the worst anxiety he'd ever felt in his life and awoken to his mother breaking into his room, tears streaming down her face and saying <em>she had to tell him something. </em></p><p>You aren't ready for death. No matter if it's someone you just met a few times, or if you spent your entire life with this person. You aren't ready for death and Kenma for sure wasn't ready for Kuroo being taken away from him, without having the chance to say goodbye.</p><p>It wasn't fair, that the most amazing person he knew, had been killed by a drunk driver, that his life was taken away from him before he'd have any kind of opportunities to live it, just because someone decided it was a good idea to get into a car with shaking hands and big eyes, after they'd seen what they'd just done. It wasn't fair, how brutally fast things happened and that Kuroo had been alone, probably already in his street. He must've been so scared and Kenma felt a pinch in his soul, regretting that until his last minutes, Kuroo had worried about him.</p><p>Like air to breathe, that was what Kuroo had meant to him and it was only natural to slowly loose sense of yourself, if it wasn't there anymore. Never had Kenma wanted to disappear so badly ever before, preferably to a place where he would have another chance, just another try, to bring Kuroo back to life, because he couldn't do it without him.</p><p> </p><p>So as he woke up and heard banging on his door, the voice of his best friend yelling at him to <em>wake up,</em> Kenma thought it'd all just been a dream once again.</p><p>But having the same dream, two times in a row is impossible and Kenma's thoughts went blank from there. He stared at his broken phone screen, telling him that it was <em>the twenty-first August</em> <em>once again </em>and his heart started beating as if he'd just jogged around the whole town. This wasn't possible, in any way, but at the same time, Kenma felt he'd been given an attempt to fix things.</p><p>He so badly hoped he wouldn't mess up things again.</p><p>The good thing about realizing he traveled back in time, is that he now <em>knew </em>why he felt that way, on the night of Kuroo's death. It must've been the feeling that this had all happened before, every single thing and Kenma didn't even know where to start. He couldn't believe any of this was truly happening and he'd never been as grateful for something. Fear bubbled up in his instincts, since this wasn't a normal situation and people just didn't travel back in time like this and maybe there was something up with him. But Kenma couldn't stop thinking back to the way he'd felt when his most treasured friend was somewhere, he couldn't follow him.</p><p>For one moment, when he saw Kuroo's face, safe and sound for now, Kenma felt the deep desire to jump up and hug him, tell him everything that had happened, but he didn't dare to waste any time. He had to think, push his feelings to the side and concentrate on how to save the person in front of him, telling him the same things as before.</p><p>Things were happening too quickly. He didn't know how to think, let alone answer any questions if <em>he was fine, </em>or how to figure out a solid plan on how this was supposed to go.</p><p>It didn't help, that Kuroo was smiling like nothing had happened.</p><p>"Are we going to the beach today?" Kuroo asked and Kenma gulped, wheels whirring in his head and everything started to hurt so badly. <em>No, </em>he thought, <em>we're not going to the beach today, because the last time we were there, you died afterwards. </em>Kenma didn't want to go there ever again, finding the idea to leave all of this behind, just with Kuroo by his side, oddly satisfying. He didn't want to go there and today, Kuroo wouldn't make any deals or agreements. This was Kenma's fight now.</p><p>"No," he said, trying to sound more convincing than he normally would, putting more force behind his voice and he tried, <em>really tried </em>to look into Kuroo's eyes, but there was no way he could do that, without getting dizzy. "We're playing video games."</p><p>"But we do that all the time!" Kenma felt panic rise up inside of him, because he was going to loose this argument in a matter of seconds. He had to put in more effort and he would, even if it meant going back over and over again, until fate decided it was enough and he'd failed. </p><p>"I don't feel so good," It wasn't a lie, he did feel like throwing up and his head echoed the beating of his frantic heart. "Please, let's just stay inside."</p><p>And that was it. They did stay inside all day and Kuroo took care of him, like he <em>always did</em>, even though he was the one dead in another universe. They laid next to each other and even though there were no stars, Kuroo didn't say anything about leaving and although Kenma felt like this had been way too easy, he tried to appreciate everything about him more than usually.</p><p>It's what you think about, when somebody dies. It's said to be the voice, that you forget first.</p><p>But for Kenma, he'd forgot about how much he loved Kuroo, even before he died in that night filled with beaches and stars.</p><p> </p><p>And then, suddenly Kuroo decided to go home again.</p><p>It was going too fast again. Kuroo was packing his things and Kenma stared and stared, but didn't move, didn't prevent him from leaving. He was frozen and it was only when Kuroo walked out of his door, thinking he was asleep, that Kenma jumped up and reached for his hand.</p><p>"Stay with me, please" Kenma didn't want to think about, how pathetic and lost he must've sounded and Kuroo's expression went from surprise to concern, like it had back then.</p><p>"Kenma," he said and his smile was so soft, that Kenma forgot everything for a moment. "I honestly just think you should rest. You're so out of it, I'll come back tomorrow, I promise you."</p><p>His stomach dropped and Kuroo stroke the back of his hand one last time, before he went down the stairs, left the house and a deep wound in Kenma's heart, filled with the knowledge, this might be Kuroo's last promise. He started to run, ignoring the calls of his Mum and his legs moved faster, than they ever had before. It was so much colder and windier and Kenma didn't know if this was really happening, but when he turned around the corner, he saw he'd been too late.</p><p> </p><p>Kenma did change his mind, after all.</p><p>The worst thing about this time loop wasn't that he knew what was going to happen. It was the day after.</p><p>He tried a lot of things. He tried to ignore Kuroo, he tried to go to the beach <em>again, over and over,</em> he tried to go to a completely different location, thinking that would change things. Kenma even confronted the driver that killed Kuroo every night, but he always ended up on that cursed next day. And suddenly, the most terrifying thing in the world wasn't loosing Kuroo anymore, it was loosing hope. It was waking up and knowing he'd messed up again and nothing had changed, that all his efforts had been for nothing.</p><p>Kenma felt like time was running out and even though everything got set back over and over again, a really dark place in his head started to have doubts. He pushed them away every night he went to bed and he struggled so hard to not believe them. He knew there was a way, there must be a way to save Kuroo and he would do it on his own, because Kenma knew he could.</p><p>The thing about bad thoughts, is that if you keep hearing them, you'll slowly start to trust them more than yourself.</p><p>It was the seventh morning of trying and believing, when Kenma saw it was the twenty-third and not the twenty-first.</p><p>The bird were chirping like crazy and it was hot in his room and Kenma couldn't breathe. His heart hiccuped, it yelled at him and Kenma didn't know what to respond, because yes, <em>what had he done? </em>Everything was heavy and crumbled down and hot, burning tears left trails down his cheeks, like pieces of glass cutting him open.</p><p>He choked and sobbed and he knew his Mum could hear him but didn't come in, because it'd just been one day for her, but an eternity for him and suddenly Kenma realized, how long he'd been gone.</p><p>This was the pain that came with loving and loosing. Kenma didn't know, if he could ever move on again and memories flashed in front of him, images of him and Kuroo running through the streets and disturbing the neighbours, Kuroo always finding a way of getting them out of trouble and how, <em>just how was he supposed to live without him?</em></p><p>He couldn't speak or think. It was all just grey.</p><p> </p><p>A week could feel like a very long time. Sometimes they passed like fireworks shooting up to the sky, only to destroy themselves and sometimes days were years.</p><p>It was rainy when Kenma looked outside, put his arms around himself, started to feel again and made out he'd been in love with Kuroo.</p><p>Sometimes, people take a long time to realize things. Kenma knew that from his aunt, who'd told him that one evening, she'd sat in her room and realized, she was utterly in love with someone she'd known for a long time. "<em>It's a little funny," </em>she'd laughed. "<em>how bad you can want something that's out of your reach."</em></p><p>And Kenma understood now, what she'd meant. Because it wasn't just knowing he was still in love with Kuroo, it was that he'd probably never see him again. Gravity pulled him down once again and for the first time in a decade, Kenma felt lonely again, because Kuroo was somewhere out there and he was stuck between reality and his imagination.</p><p>"Please," he whispered, bottom lip trembling and tears dropping from his eyelashes. He gripped his blanket tight and wished someone would be there, to pull it away. "Let me try one last time."</p><p>There was no answer but Kenma didn't stop.</p><p>"I'll try anything," The sob hurt a lot. "I just need one more try."</p><p>He looked at his lockscreen, a picture of grumpy him and smiley Kuroo staring back. Every time Kuroo had asked to take pictures and Kenma had denied just as much and it was just another, miserable thing he started to regret.</p><p>"I swear I'll make it worth it," His head met his soft pillow and he closed his heavy eyes. "I miss you."</p><p> </p><p>That morning, Kenma woke up and there were no tears on his bed.</p><p>There it was, the last chance.</p><p>He'd waited and he still did, for the banging on his door and Kuroo telling him to <em>wake up </em>and Kenma was finally awake now. There weren't many possibilities left, on how to solve this endless torture of death and grief and Kenma knew he'd just have to follow his heart from now on. There had been a time, where people would tell him, he focuses too much on the logic of things, rather than what he truly desires.</p><p>It'd always been about spending time with Kuroo. So he'd do just that.</p><p>Never would Kenma had thought, he'd want to kiss someone so badly, when he saw Kuroo again. It was a stupid thing, in his opinion, that something had to be gone for you to notice certain things. For him, it was like another moment of epiphany, that he'd never leave Kuroo.</p><p>Kenma smiled when Kuroo asked him again.</p><p>"<em>Of course, we</em> can." Kenma really wanted to tell him, how much he loved him. "<em>Let's go to the beach, Kuroo."</em></p><p>Now, Kenma wasn't scared anymore. If this wasn't the right way, they weren't meant to be and fate would've ripped them apart way sooner and Kenma wouldn't stand here, watching Kuroo live.</p><p>For the first time in a very long time, Kenma was sure it'd be alright. He laid back on his towel, watching the soft clouds pass by and drifted off.</p><p> </p><p>"Did you know," Kuroo started to ask and Kenma's heart stopped. He braced himself for the question, he'd heard so many times in the last days, weeks and always failed to answer. "that looking at the night sky, is like looking 100,000 years back in time?</p><p>There were crickets in the bushes.</p><p>"Wouldn't it be awesome to time-travel, Kenma?" Kuroo was beautiful and Kenma wanted to reach out. "Imagine relieving certain things again. That'd make some things easier."</p><p>Kenma had his answer now.</p><p>"I actually think," Kenma started and tried to keep himself from taking Kuroo's hand once again, just to certify he was still there. But some things, you simply shouldn't resist. "that that's what memories are made for. Realizing why they were precious."</p><p>There was a short silence and then Kuroo laughed and Kenma joined him, because that didn't sound like him at all.</p><p>"I guess you're right." Kuroo sighed and he turned to look at Kenma.</p><p>He got his kiss that night. He also managed to save Kuroo and he could swear, there were more than 5,000 stars in the sky on that night.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Originally, I didn't want to put so much of myself into this story and it was supposed to end a little differently, but I like the way it is now. Please never give up, no matter what situation you stand in and I hope you could draw a little strength and hope out of this! <br/>I believe in you &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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